Let's Pretend For a Moment, I Can Be Rational...

Note to self - DO NOT let me write posts at 1:00 a.m. when I have had an unusually shitty day and am 1/2 a bottle of Red in.  Noted.
After speaking with DVME today, I feel somewhat better - and I use the word somewhat very hesitantly - about what our next step is with Chester.  In a nutshell, we are going to hold off on the imagery for now - partly to save my wallet and having to refinance our house - and partly to try and isolate the problem area.  She keeps going back to his hoof, I keep giving her slack about it.
ME: DVME, you're telling me he can spook and have his hoof be the cause of his lameness?
DVME: I've had a couple handfuls of cases where horses have spooked and pulled tendons and torn ligaments in their hoof.  Carrie, do you know how many different things can go wrong in there?
ME: Yes, DVME, there are about a quadrillion things that can go wrong in there. (sighs audibly)
On Monday, she is going to come on out and we are going to nerve block his hoof. 
What are nerve and joint blocks?
Nerve and joint blocks involve the injection of a local anaesthetic (Lidocane anyone?!!) either close to a nerve or directly into a joint or into another synovial cavity, such as the navicular bursa or a tendon sheath. The local anaesthetic temporarily disrupts the function of any nerves or nerve endings it contacts. This results in areas of desensitisation (numbing). The desensitised area depends on which nerves or nerve endings are affected. Thus, if the local anaesthetic is placed around a nerve, such as the palmar digital nerve that runs down on both sides of the back of the pastern before entering the foot, the areas supplied by that nerve will become desensitised. If the horse has pain in this area, the nerve block will temporarily numb it and the lameness may disappear. These blocks are used as one part of an examination of the lame horse. Usually, the horse is trotted up (either in a straight line on a hard, level surface and/or on the lunge in both directions), and the degree of lameness is noted. The block is then applied and the horse trotted up again to see whether there has been any improvement in the degree of lameness. If the lameness has improved, it is likely that the site of pain causing it is situated in the area of the foot that has been desensitised by the block. 

Dinner anyone? My treat!

Hopefully, he blocks as she suspects he will at the hoof, because it will a- FINALLY pinpoint that there IS in fact something going on in there and b- at $55/shot, I can't afford much more then one. (Guess it is back to eating KD and wieners for the next 3 weeks).  At least by blocking, we will know (hopefully) exactly what area it is we need to focus our efforts on...and by efforts, I mean me trying not to bawl my eyes out every time I look at Chester to approach the situation rationally.  And by efforts I also mean, giving Chester all the help he can get.  Depending on what happens - and I am going to talk to the Boss first - we could potentially x-ray again...although after his last crystal clear x-rays which basically told us he had awesome feet....I might save that $285 and put it towards an MRI...because yep - that's the ONLY damn way you can see the tendons and ligaments inside the hoof.  Enter audible sigh here.   I swear to God, if this horse has to get an MRI, I am going to have to resort to means of income which I would rather not discuss openly. 

If there is something torn inside his foot - which is sounding more and more like it could be the case - the only thing we can do is give him some drugs and time to rest. Don't ask me how long, because I have no idea...AND, it isn't even like we know that is for sure what is going on anyway.

SO, once calmed down and rational, I feel a teensy tiny little bit better then I did 24 hours ago. 

I still believe in him. And you can bet your ass I'm not going to quit.

Don't Quit...

I am having a hard time shutting my brain off. I think it is for a lot of different reasons: lack of success in finding a job, being on my own and knowing I more then likely won’t see my SO until June…and, Chester.

I really am very, very worried about him. I don’t know what made me think of it, but I remembered a poem someone told me about…almost a year ago to the day – when we were going through ‘Operation: Pickle Rehabilitation’. I am not one for all that holistic mumbo jumbo, think positive and at will happen bs – don’t get me wrong, if that is your thing, all the power to you – but this one just sort of stuck with me:

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

                                            – Author Unknown

There is a lot in there that really speaks to me: When the funds are low and the debts are high; You want to smile, but you have to sigh; You may succeed with another blow; the silver tint of the clouds of doubt; So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—it’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

I have spent a lot of time over the past several months trying to sort out, what I could have possibly done to piss someone off enough, for ALL this to be going on. All. At. Once. They say Karma is a powerful thing. Do I believe in Karma? I’m not sure. I would like to be a believer, but when it comes to what is happening right now, currently in my life…it makes it difficult for me.  When it comes to what is going on in MY life, I can deal with that…okay, sometimes not in the best way, but, I am after all human.

What I have a really, really, REALLY hard time with, is seeing Chester going through this. That, is NOT fair. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve what is going on with him.  He has done absolutely nothing but try his guts out for me since the day I met him.  He has done absolutely nothing but trust me with everything…even when he wasn’t sure about it himself.  He has done nothing but love me, unconditionally. He is the smartest, quirkiest, most loveable horse I know…and it breaks my heart to see him not be 100%.

He was the baby no one wanted.  He was ‘too gangly legged and narrow chested to ever amount to anything’.  He has, proved to everyone that he has amounted to something.  Forget that, he has amounted to my everything.  Last summer, when he finished his first event, it was our biggest accomplishment and one of the happiest days of my life – even though I was in tears as we came through the flags.  I believe in him. Since the day I met him, I have believed in him.  I always have and I always will.  It isn’t about winning, ribbons or qualifying for provincials.  It is about him deserving to continue doing what he loves doing.  And, there is absolutely nothing I want more right now, then for him to be okay.

I'm not giving up on you yet horse...

Embarcadero is defined as: to set out on a journey that is sometimes trying or difficult.  Someone joked to me a year ago that “you should have named him Easy Street”… Huh, wouldn’t that have made my life easier.

The Boss...

Just a quick update until we know more about what is actually going on with Chester...because I know my post yesterday seemed pretty glum/grim...which is was, and it was/is a reflection of how I am feeling.
I had a coffee this morning with The Boss and Graham...and speaking with them both, always ALWAYS automatically makes me feel better. Especially because we have a plan now and we know what has to be done...well, sort of.
We are going to take Chester up to the clinic where he will get some diagnostic imaging...this is the ONLY way we will know for sure what is going on with him.  Depending on what the outcome of that is, will determine what happens next.  As soon as I know when we are going, I will break the news.
For now, I am going to tip-toe around trying NOT to think about the ever dreaded 'what-if's' to preparing myself for the Worst Case Scenario...which ranges from Chester having to be a $400/month barefoot pet for 6 - 12 months in a field to having to sell him because - physically - he can't do what I need him to do.  So, once again, I ask that everyone sends the good vibes our way...it would mean a lot to us.
Sigh - you can see just why I don't even want to try to think about it.  In any event, he would make the nicest trail horse you have ever seen for someone...but, let's not go there.

Reality Sucks...

The reality is, Chester, is not any better then he was a month ago when I started to ride him again.  Any hope that I had that he was on his way to getting better was crushed this afternoon when I got the following txt from BO: Hello. Was Chester normal today? He seems worse to us when he came in for dinner.
WHAT?! What do you mean worse?! Today, I did some trotting up and down our tractor path, but he didn't feel any worse then he did yesterday.  In the past month, he has gotten a little better each day...but he still isn't 100%, he still shuffles in front and going around corners feels considerably worse then when we are going straight.  There is no head bobbing when we ride, simply shuffling in front. 
Of course - I go over to the barn...and he is eating away in his stall.  As I pull him out, I do a quick once over: standing on all four feet, no heat, no swelling, no sensitivity to his back/withers...and I stare at him.  We stick him on the lunge line and he is moving considerably worse then I have seen him in the past month...shuffling in front.  We flex him...and he doesn't come up head bobbing lame, but he does shuffle.  Which in any normal case would seem odd, but this has been Chester for the past...well, since the winter.  We turn him in a small circle to the left and he crosses his back legs fine.  When we turn him to the right, he doesn't want to cross his hind right over his left and he bobs.  Fan Friggin Tastic.
I don't know what to do anymore.  There is something still wrong with him and I have no idea what that could be.  Could his stifle be the reason he is shuffling in front? That doesn't make any sense to me.  This whole situation honestly makes me want to cry.   know he isn't right and I know there is something - probably pretty serious - that is going on inside him somewhere.  If he was okay, then after almost a month of riding, he would have been well on his way to being okay.  THAT is realistic.  My gut is yelling at me that something is wrong.
There isn't much I can do about it today other then worry myself sick, so I am going to try to not do that.  (hahahahaha - I'm borderline in tears writing this) In the morning, I am going to call DVME and bring her up to speed on what is going on.  I am going to have her boss come out and do diagnostic imaging...because then we will know for sure what the problem is.  Can I afford it? Nope, not at all.  Can I afford NOT to do it? Nope, not at all.
What makes me most upset about this...is just how upset I am!  I feel selfish for feeling this way. Why? Because I still have him...and there are people out there, who probably right now, are going through much much worse then I am with the partners they hold so dear to them. 
I think it is hard for me because I feel deep down in my gut that this is something that isn't going to go away over night. I think it is hard for me because right now, Chester is the only thing I have that makes me want to get up and get through another day.  If it wasn't for him - I don't know what I would be doing with myself.  I wish wish wish I could go back in time and have decided NOT to ride on December 30th.  Because maybe then, I wouldn't be sitting here thinking how much reality needs to suck it.  I wish that I would have spoken up when his x-rays were clean.  I wish I would have asked more questions when it wasn't making sense....there are so many things I would have done differently. 
I HATE sounding so pessimistic, please believe me...but I know this is going to be a battle.  More then likely a tough one.  I can feel it.  What I hate MOST I think, is that Chester deserves more then any other horse I know, to be great. To be a champion.  He tries so hard for me and he is so deserving of being good at what he does.  The thought of him not being able to do what he is good at, what he loves, breaks my heart more then anything else.
Let's hope for the best of a bad situation.    

I mean, REALLY...???

After what was a super weekend and a somewhat stressful Monday morning, I was really looking forward to getting to the barn this afternoon to see Chester and ride.
See, I might have popped him over a little x-rail on Saturday and he might have acted like it was not a big deal and that he hadn't NOT jumped since the middle of December.  While still not 100%, he is absolutely at 90% and with the extra pushing he will get from now on, it will either determine IF he is good to go, if he has to spend a year in a field doing nothing but getting over whatever it is that is making him plateau at 90%.  as I was leading him into the barn, one of the other boarders was there and she goes.: 'ummmmm, his shoe is half off,' WHAT??!! Sure enough, the same shoe he pulled while schooling the other day, was a good 2 inches off his foot. FML. I mean, come ON CHESTER...REALLY?!  I stared at him in disbelief. This horse, never and I mean NEVER pulls shoes.  After sighing openly and loudly, I stuck him in his stall and went to get the pinchers to get the shoe off.  Muttering under my breath about how thankful he should be that I don't make him go barefoot all together and how thank GOD DVME taught me how to pull a shoe way back when.
Thankfully, farrier was able to come out and put it back on...his greeting to me was "Your horse used to be on the top of my list of horses I like to work with...he ain't no more."  Thanks farrier...I apologized profusely and promised to buy him a 60 of Jack to make up for it.
The fields are muddy, the boys are feeling frisky and there is a lot of playing going on.  The mud, is a good 6 - 8 inches deep in places.  Farrier says "well, think about it, if its muddy and they are running, that one extra mili-second it takes for him to move his foot, is enough for him to catch it with his hind."
So, he will go out in bell boots for the next couple of weeks until all the mud dries up.
Needless to day, there was no riding today.  I mean really, if it isn't one thing with this horse, it is something else.
We will try again tomorrow.
And hopefully ALL his shoes will be on when I get there.

Bubble. Wrap...

Ever since I have been given the go-ahead to start using the tractor path, SOMETHING has been giving me grief about it.  Be it the torrential monsoon like weather we have had for the past couple days, be it the hurricane force winds we have been having...whatever.

So since Mother Nature - who is NOT my favourite person at the moment - again decided to have some fun at my expense yesterday, I ended up in the arena...sigh...poor Chester.  I did set up a little grid of poles though for us to go through. 

BO was working on the new barn and she decided to observe us while we were working about 10 minutes into our ride.  At this point we were trotting around the arena in a nice forward trot, doing some BIG circles and going over the grid.  I stop and we chat about what BO is seeing. "He looks short on his front right." I stare at her blankly. "His front right?! That doesn't make any sense.'  He feels okay to me...the best yet actually. So, we continue talking, it has been 3 weeks since we started riding again and determined it is now time for him to take it up a notch. Meaning, more collection, circles, cantering...If he is having difficulty with this now, then there is something else still going on at which point I would have to put my x-ray vision goggles on to determine what. 

We cantered - both directions and once I remembered 'FORWARD' (okay, that is a lie, BO had to tell me to go forward FOR me), he felt pretty good....to the right, he was not as good as to the left...weird weird weird.  After the canter, we determined he was in fact able to bring it up a notch.  AND - more importantly, mentally in MY head, I needed to hear that.  I sound like a broken record, but pushing him forward and ON, is just as much in my head as it is in his...he is after all protecting himself - AND I would be too given how I know he had been feeling.  We finished doing some long and low and trot and walk and called it at that.  I was really excited at the end of the ride to put the dreaded dressage saddle on tomorrow (today) and really start to ask him to work again.

As we were coming out of the arena and onto the cement walkway, he sounded...off.  I stop him and take a look.  The horse, HAS PULLED HIS FRONT RIGHT SHOE OFF.  No wonder he was 'coming up short on his front right'.  I stared at him open mouthed.  I, of course, didn't put his bell boots on because we were stuck inside the arena and not going out on the trails.  I sighed openly and then yelled at BO who was in the other isle to tell her what happened.  Then I feel bad because I didn't notice when it happened...but I honestly didn't feel anything happen!!! Booo Carrie.  BO chalks that up to the footing - it is pretty cushy in there.  The farrier is going to come today at 4 to put his shoe back on.  Sigh - thank god he is good to me.  At night check last night, he hadn't stocked up or anything, which is some small miracle knowing that horse.  Bell Boots it is, pretty much for the rest of Chester's life...sigh.

I have no idea who this is - except for the fact
he should be Chester's new idol.

Technically, I should be surprised that he pulled a shoe, but really, I'm not.  I wouldn't expect anything less from my gangly-legged-accident-prone-redhead.  He belongs in bubble wrap. (Except that when he moved and the bubble wrap popped, he would scare himself, causing him to do something worse then pull a shoe...sigh...)

Annnnd So It Begins...

..Trotting.
Lots
And Lots
And Lots
AND LOTS of trotting.
We have been given the all clear to use the tractor path - literally that is what it is - so we can start our trot sets again.  Which is actually a blessing in disguise because, there - in my none professional opinion - is nothing that can be better for the Pickle at this point in time then trotting in a long straight line for endless minutes on end....well, there is always the 'Hill', but we haven't been given clearance for that yet.  When BO and I were talking about it I said to her: "Look, I think you know out of all of us here, that I value our grass fields more then anyone else!"  Because that is where our xc jumps are...d'uh! Anyways, I have the all clear to use the tractor path and it really literally is a looong straaaiiiggght path.  It takes about 3 or 4 minutes to trot the whole thing one way...actually, I should wear my watch tomorrow and see exactly how long it is.  That is a good project for me.
Anyways - we have done it twice now...including tonight, in a rain/mist/wind storm...remind me to NEVER do that again...there is a video floating around of Sarah Cousins from Morven Park - I think?! - this past weekend, she was going along the Intermediate XC IN A FLIPPIN HAIL STORM - so I guess I don't have anything to complain about.  BUT - Chester knows ALL too well what this path is all about.  Right now, we go up and back 3 times round trip...it is about 15 minutes of trot and 5 or 6 minutes of walk. I'll do this a couple more times and then build it up to 4 round trips, then 5 and then 6.  Someone commented to me just tonight that his muscle tone/development is already building again...YAY!!  If I do nothing but this for the next 2 weeks, I think it will make all the difference.  I'm going to ride in the arena only once a week and do some pole work.  HOPEFULLY, by the third week of April, he will be strong enough to be able to go back into the sandbox and start schooling 20 meter circles (gag) and then the last week of April we will pop him over a few jumps and see how he makes out.  This is of course only Plan A...annnnnnnd as I have come to learn, especially with this horse, Plan B, C, D and E are usually pretty good ideas to have.
Hummm - I wonder what I should pack for ROLEX?!